Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."
One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a
water hole.
This forest was so big that the frog had never seen
another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was
chasing
after a rabbit to have for dinner.
The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you
are the only
two animals I have seen, I will grant you both
three wishes. Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a
minute, and
being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the
bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."
For his wish,
the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and
immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of
the rabbit,
wasting his wish like that.
It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all
the bears in the next
forest were female as well."
The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it
and gunned the engine.
The bear was shocked that the rabbit was
asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked
for money and
bought the motorcycle.
For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I
wish that all the bears in
the world, besides me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that
the bear was
gay."
Four
men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they
were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a
phone call.
The other three were discussing their children while walking to
the first tee.
"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself
in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now
owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful,
in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a
brand new home as a gift."
The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his
career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership.
"He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a
friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a
stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the
last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio
as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell
him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny
are, and ask what line of work his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned
out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser,
and I've just recently discovered he's gay."
As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the
bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last
three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars,
and a big stock portfolio."
*~*~Jane was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they have sex
in the dark. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp -- only
to discover a cucumber in his hand.
"Is THIS what you've been using on me for the past 5 years!?"
"Honey, let me explain!"
"Why
you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent Son of a Bitch!"
"Speaking of sneaky!" he interrupted, "Maybe you'd care
to explain our 3 kids!"
*~*~A little boy walked in on his parents in the heat of their lovemaking.
"Mommy,
what are you doing?"
"Umm," she stammered, "well, Daddy is so fat that I'm bouncing all the air out of him."
"I don't
know what good it's going to do," the boy replied. "The lady next door is just going to blow him up again!"
*~*~Two law partners hire a new cute, young secretary, and a contest arises between
them as to who can bed her first, even though they're both already married. Eventually one of them scores with her, and his
partner is quite eager to hear how things went.
"So what did you think?" he asks.
"Ahh," replies the first lawyer,
"my wife is better."
Some time goes by, and then the second lawyer goes to bed with the secretary. "So," asks the first
guy, "what did you think?"
The second guy replies, "You were right."
*~*~*A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately,
the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been
stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and
fired a shot into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising force. No one answered.
"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN
TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer,
walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender left the bar and asked
meekly, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
 |
